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We all experience a trainwreck or two. Sometimes life even shoots a few holes in our boat.

Some of us just haven't taken a taken a ten-degree curve at 110 MPH or accidentally overloaded the starboard side yet.

So stop trying to predict what your future holds. We've got the answers right here.

Spoiler alert: It ain't pretty.

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August, 2022

Aries

Due to foreseen circumstances, your wife will announce that she's gay and leave you for another man's wife who just told her husband that's she's gay. You and that guy may go out for a beer. And then get hookers.Your gay wife may indirectly give you syphilis.

Cancer

Your boyfriend of two years may tell you he’s gay. You may be brought to tears in your Uber ride home. Your Uber driver may ask you what’s wrong. He may laugh at your situation as he hands you a tissue.

Libra

Your wife may introduce a new toy into your sex life. She may name it Jon. That may or may not have anything to do with her obsession with Jon Bon Jovi. It has everything to do with her obsession with Jon Bon Jovi. Your wife gave love a bad name.

Capricorn

You may get stuck having to go watch a soccer game because some asshole gave your wife free tickets. You may realize that the most popular sport in the world is even more fucking frustrating and impossible to watch in person.

Taurus

Tinnitus will start in your left ear. Many days later, it may start in your right ear. The only cure is to cut your head off. You may consider this option on a minutely basis.

Leo

Your husband may tell you that he's fallen in love with an exotic dancer named Cinnamon. You may force the spicy namesake of your husband’s new love down his throat while he’s sleeping. You will never buy your kids favorite cereal again.

Scorpio

Your son may overhear your request to do something unmentionable to your wife’s derrière. You may try to quickly think of words that rhyme, but the best you’ll come up with is flannel.

Aquarius

An old friend from high school may post about her blessed and exciting life. Looking at the pile of toys on your living room floor and spit up on your shirt collar may cause you to curl up in a ball of tears. One word: Lexapro.

Gemini

Your dog will vomit in his crate while you're at work. It may be because of the grapes you fed him the night before. Or it may be because of the sock you may have to pull out of his ass. As your wife picks up the other sock you left on the floor, she may say I told you so several times.

Virgo

You may catch your neighbor drinking and driving on the way home from picking your children up at school. You may happily call 911 on his drunk ass because you can’t stand the son of a bitch. That may cause a cascade of events that lead to you having to testify in court. Your HOA may give you a special shout out in the monthly newsletter.

Sagittarius

You may be diagnosed with breast cancer. You may lose your shit. Your doctor may calm you down by telling you that it’s not unheard of for men to be diagnosed with the disease of the month for October. That won’t stop your co-workers from calling you Betty.

Pisces

Your child’s best friend’s mother may ask you to come over for a glass of wine and then some. Don’t ask where the then some came from. Just smoke it and smile.