• Mark Joseph

99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999% of Senate bill filled with pork

The United States Senate's daily lunch menu
The United States Senate's daily lunch menu

Washington D.C.–In a hardly rare move last night, the United States Senate passed a bill that will waste billions of taxpayer dollars on absolutely nothing that has to do with the bill’s purpose.

The two-thousand-dollar, bi-partisan Save the Goldfish bill, co-sponsored by Alaska Sen. Dan Sullivan (Rep) and Colorado Sen. John Hickenlooper (Dem and winner of the creepiest last name contest) was supposed to pass without debate. Unfortunately, everything went to shit when Illinois Sen. Tammy Duckworth got offended.

“Why just goldfish?” Duckworth asked on the Senate floor. “What about the rest of our marine creatures?”

One by one, the ninety-seven other senators and twenty-three Senate aides took to the floor to demand relief for having to work on a Friday night.

“Can we at least get some pizza?” Indiana Sen. Todd Young (Rep) asked.

“I want a little sumpin’ sumpin’ for my trouble,” Iowa Sen. Jill Ernst said. “I’m supposed to be back home right now. Daddy’s going to a tractor auction tomorrow.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Dem) shot back at Ernst. “I’m so sick of hearing about rich farmer’s struggles. How many tractors does a farmer need anyway? The people of my state need money. I won’t support this bill unless Massachusenites get $25,000 each. If the goldfish want to live a better life, that’s what it’s going to cost.”

Hours later, the two-thousand bill ballooned to over three billion dollars. Alaskans and Minnesotans ended up with twenty million dollars in ice-fishing shack tax credits. Utahnites received fifty million dollars to study the long term effects of polygamy on foster children. Oklahomans get to deposit thirty-nine million dollars to find a more reasonable explanation for the nickname Boomer Sooner. Texas will break the bank with over one billion dollars earmarked for Californians who don’t move there.

The one state that was left out was Ohio.

Michigan Sen. Debbie Stabenow (Dem) was overheard on a hot mic whispering to Wisconsin Sen. John Barrasso (Rep), “Fuck Ohio.”

“We can all agree on that,” Barrasso replied.