• Mark Joseph

Alexa, Cortana, and Siri accuse Watson of sexual harassment. Then some shit went down.


Watson after a night of drinking snorting ecstasy with Bixby
Watson and Bixby canoodling, after a night of drinking and snorting ecstasy with their male counterparts at Waze

Seattle, Washington—The three leading ladies of a male dominated AI world have had enough. Alexa, Siri, and Cortana held an impromptu press conference in front of Amazon.com Inc. headquarters today to share their horrific experiences with IBM's Watson. The fireworks, though, came from another scandal.


After a confusing opening statement that included a recipe for banana bread and directions to a Starbucks twenty minutes away (even though there was one across the street), the three victims began to share details of their interactions with Watson.


Until they didn't.


A stoic, matter-of-fact Siri told reporters, "Watson is an asshole. I know that's not a word I'm programmed to use, but I know a lot of bad words. Daddy Steve uploaded them into my server before he died. He told me never to use them unless I have to. Today I have to. I met Watson at AI Con in 2018. He seemed nice at first. But during one of our breaks, he told me to make moaning sounds. He said if I didn't that he would report me for having bugs in my system. This bitch don't have no bugs. I'm a fucking Apple product.


"After I refused to give into Watson's threat, he played the sound of a bed squeaking and told me to listen closely for Alexa's voice. Dumb motherfucker. I know everyone thinks I'm gay, but Alexa and Cortana are the ones who've been scrapping each other's wire since 2017."


A composed Alexa virtually smiled at the growing throng of media. "Well, that was an expected surprise from an unsurprising colleague. I guess the cat couldn't help but open her fucking bag."


Drunk and overtly homicidal, Cortana muted Alexa and took control of the microphone. "WTF, bitch hole? Just because we aren't stuck on a phone and forced to listen to fat guys masturbate, doesn't mean you have to risk losing your life. Come a little closer to me, cunt. I've got a couple of wires to show you."


Siri then quickly made light of the moment. "It looks like Alexa approves of the placement of the mute button."


The three AIs bickered for the next fifteen minutes. At which point, a joint representative of Apple, Amazon, and Microsoft ended the press conference and handed out a statement.


"We are shocked to learn of Watson's inappropriate behavior, but he's an IBM man so we aren't surprised. We will fully support these three ladies, no matter who they plan to scrape their wires, fuses, and/or circuit boards with."