• Mark Joseph

An interview with Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey poses for Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey poses for Matthew McConaughey

Austin, Texas?–Matthew McConaughey is a hybrid. He’s a mix of about ten different really fucking weird dudes and a stud with a kind of cute, ugly face. I was lucky enough to sit down with the superstar at his home in what I think is Austin, TX. (His people picked me up at the airport and blindfolded me. The drive to meet Matthew took five hours, but I’m pretty sure they made a bunch of extra turns on purpose.)

Mark: I think everyone wants to know, why is the second C always capitalized?

Matthew: Damnnnnn! You’re coming with the fireworks first, amigo. Short answer? I, I…I don’t know.

Mark: Are you happy you’re not running for governor?

Matthew: Whew! Hell yes, I am. I’m like the horse and buggy that dodged the steam train. I could’ve been lifted in the air and thrown fifty feet, and then had my brains splattered, and my bones crushed into Bolivian. Lowlivagin. Blowkissagain. Oblivion! Dadgummit, I always screw that word up. Look here, the next Governor of the Great State of Texas is going to have an abortion ban bill to sign or veto. I’ll be damned if I want to be the one to make that decision.

Mark: What do you think of the job President Biden is doing?

Matthew: Well, you know, being a president of anything is tough. I’m president of my fan club. A lot of decisions have to be made. Some people are going to like those decisions. Some people aren’t going to like those decisions. But they have to respect those decisions.

Mark: Are we talking about the President right now?

Matthew: Yes.

Mark: Which one?

Matthew: (Over the top laughter) You tell me. This is your interview, Hoss.

Mark: What makes you such a box office hit?

Matthew: You know, most people think it’s my mother. That’s what Wikipedia says anyway. I don’t really know the answer. A part of me thinks it’s my naturality. A part of me thinks it’s just lust. Luck. And then another part of me thinks it’s just God saying, ‘You know what? Bless the hell out of that son of a bitch down there and let’s see what happens.’

Mark: Do you ever just stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder?

Matthew: (Way over the top laughter) I don’t need no mirror. I’m sitting here right now and having an out-of-body experience while I’m talking to you. I’m watching myself. I’m listening to myself talk and then turning around and giving myself advice.

Mark: Can you see yourself watching you?

Matthew: Hellllllll yes, I can.

Mark: Where are you? Not you, you. The you that is watching the you I'm talking to.

Matthew: (Ridiculously over the top laughter) How do you know which one you're talking to? Maybe you’re having an out-of-body experience right now. Maybe you’ve been living an out-of-body experience your whole life. That’s the beauty of life. None of us know.

Mark: Really? That’s the beauty of life? Not knowing if you’re real or some freak-ass astrobeing?

Matthew: That’s what I’ve been saying.

Mark: I’ll ask it a different way. Where is the other you?

Matthew: What other me? I am the only me.

Mark: But you just–is there someone who looks like you watching us right now?

Matthew: We all look like God, Marky Pooh.

Mark: Are you fucking with me on purpose?

Matthew: Whatever I’m doing is God’s plan. God’s plan.

Mark: Okay. Okay. God’s plan. When is your next movie coming out?

Matthew: I’m glad you asked. I’m excited as hell about this one. My co-star is Kate Hudson. It’s directed by Donald Petrie. Kate plays a woman named Andie Anderson. She’s a writer for a magazine–

Mark: Excuse me. Let me stop you right there. You’re talking about How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. It came out in 2003.

Matthew: Yeah, so?

Mark: I asked when is your next movie coming out.

Matthew: Is that what you asked? I could have sworn you asked which of my movies am I watching next. I watch them all in order. All day long. I just sit here and watch. Try to learn from my mistakes so I can be a better man. Actor. Come on. Let’s head over to the couch. I’ll make us some popcorn.

Mark: You know what? I’m good. I need to get back to–can you just have your guys blindfold me again and take me back to the airport. They can go the quickest route this time. You don’t have to worry about me coming back.