An interview with Ohio State head football "coach" Ryan Day
Columbus, Ohio—Sometimes we have to do something that makes us so sick that we would rather shoot ourselves in the foot one thousand times with a contractor's nail gun. Our mashed-up foot would just be a blood, tendon, skin, and bone smoothie puddled on the floor. Then we'd suck it up with a straw, and painfully moan, "I told you I wouldn't do that shit."
Unfortunately, for me, there was no nail gun available when I smelled the stink of Columbus, Ohio through the air vent of my 1986 sky-blue Jaguar XJ6 Series 3 Sedan. I considered stopping at The Home Depot to rent one, but changed my mind and kept my lunch date with the Devil.
Mark: Hello, Ryan.
Ryan: Hello, Mark. Just so you know, most people call me coach.
Mark: I'll keep that mind, Ryan. So tell me, why don't you have a silent letter in your last name like your opposites, Keshia Knight Pulliam and Moon Knight? Their names sound like night, but they're spelled with a K. You should spell yours D-H-A-Y.
Ryan: I really don't know who would be in charge of that. The Day family has always spelled it D-A-Y.
Mark: So you leave things up to the people who came before you? Does that mean you recruit socially deviant murderers and hire domestic abusers like Urban Meyer did?
Ryan: Urban Meyer is a great man.
Mark: (Choking on his own vomit) He's clearly blackmailing you with something. Is it the beard? You know you aren't fooling anyone, right? There is no hair color in the world that black. It's almost as if you want the world to know you practice some kind of sexually provocative dark magic.
Ryan: There's nothing wrong with hiding a few gray hairs.
Mark: You use it on your pubes too, don't you? You might as well. Once one of those strands turns white, the rest fall in line. It's like a smallpox infection.
Ryan: I plead the fifth on that one.
Mark: Take to me about this season. You guys barely beat Notre Dame. Other than Michigan, which teams do you think you'll get your ass kicked by this year?
Ryan: We're not going to get our asses kicked this year. We're going to run the table.
Mark: Listen to the arrogance in you. You've been coaching for what, six months? Who do you think you are, Nick Saban?
Ryan: I've been the head coach at Ohio State since 2019.
At this point in the interview, I insisted that Ryan use air quotes when calling himself a coach. He refused. A few minutes of bickering turned into a few more minutes of yelling. Toward the end of the argument, Ryan brought up his New Hampshire pride. I told him the only time anyone ever thinks of New Hampshire is during the presidential primaries. He then began to belligerently ramble on about purple finches, white birch trees, and white-tailed deer. I could see that he wasn't going to cede to my request that he use air quotes when calling himself a "coach," so I put him in a headlock and squeezed the tip of his nose until he tapped my shoulder.
Mark: I'm glad we could come to understanding. You owe me a shirt, by the way. You're fucking beard dye is still wet.
Ryan: I'll pay for a new shirt when you giving me my fucking nose back.
Mark: Hell to the N to the O, Ryan. I'm keeping this baby until you admit you aren't a real coach.
Ryan: Fine! I'm not a real coach. I'm a fraud. Now give me my nose back!
Mark: Do you promise to use air quotes when calling yourself a coach?
Ryan: I promise, okay? Now give me my fucking nose!
Mark: Here, take your ugly nose. I don't want it anyway. It's so stinky and brown. How far up (Ohio State Athletic Director) Gene Smith's ass do you stick it?
Ryan: Gene Smith is a good guy. He hired me.
Mark: Well, you were already there. It's not like he put a lot of effort into the search.
Ryan: Thank God for that.
Mark: One last question, Ryan. Then I'll let you get back to grooming your face. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Ryan: That's a great question. I've always wanted to be—
Mark: Nobody cares, Ryan. Go Blue, bitch!