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  • Todd Beacon

Anti-abortion group outraged at the popularity of baby carrots


Delilah Hennepin (right) holds hands with a stranger (left) she just met during a protest of a local farmer's market in Saint Paul. The guy on the far left just wanted to buy an empanada.
Delilah Hennepin (right) holds hands with a stranger (left) she just met during a protest of a local farmer's market in Saint Paul. The guy on the far left just wanted to buy an empanada.

Saint Paul, Minnesota–Baby carrots can not only reduce your risk for heart disease by lowering your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, they can also help to reduce your risk of prostate cancer, lung cancer, leukemia, and other types of cancer. Unfortunately, according to Delilah Hennepin, from the National Institute of Pro-Life Mothers Against Abortion and Anything Else That Most Democrats Are For (NIPLMAAAEMDAF), you must stop eating them.


“It’s just disgusting that anyone would think it’s okay to eat anything with the name baby in it! These carrots weren’t even allowed to grow into the adult carrots they could be. It’s heart wrenching to think that baby carrots could have spent a couple of more months in the ground rather than getting pulled out at such a young age.”


“Democrats will tell you that it doesn’t matter. Everything they tell you is a lie. You can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. Baby carrots have just as much right to grow and prosper as a stick of celery.”


When asked about where NIPLMAAAEMDAF stands on grape tomatoes and Lady Finger bananas, Ms. Hennepin stated that the organization's governing board was working on a platform to fight for all under-served fruit and vegetable communities.


“Right now, the baby carrot is something that is near and dear to our hearts. When the time is right, we will organize and rid the world of all baby killers.”


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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg