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  • Todd Beacon

Barry Bonds 2001 piss cup sells at auction for $3,000,000


An artist's rendition of the size, shape, and appearance of Barry Bonds' testicles in 2001
An artist's rendition of the size, shape, and appearance of Barry Bonds' testicles in 2001

San Francisco, California–In what is thought to be a first of its kind, Bay area auction house, Golden Showers, sold a pee cup filled with a sample of Barry Bonds urine circa 2001 to Frankie “I like weird shit” Pauladino last weekend.


Pauladino, a collector of enormously strange items, outbid a local car dealership owner, a porn producer, and two strippers. Sources say that the strippers wanted the urine sample for DNA purposes, while the porn producer wanted it for nostalgia. It's unclear what the car dealership owner’s interest in the item was.


“This is a piece of history,” Pauladino said, as he held his new prize up for reporters to see. “This is filled with the great Barry Bonds urine. This isn’t regular urine either. This is from his seventy-three home run season. You can still smell the steroids. And what’s amazing is that the urine is still warm. More than twenty years later, and it’s still warm!”


“It’s got a hint of sweetness to it, but mostly what I smell is strength. Pure strength. And the hue! My God. Look at this hue. He must have been taking every vitamin known to man back then. If I didn’t know this was Barry Bonds 2001 pee, I would have mistaken it for a strawberry smoothie that was sitting in a hot car for five hours.”


Clarke Oscarton, owner of Golden Showers Auctioneers, wasn’t surprised by Pauladino’s bid. “Frankie buys everything from us. When he comes to one of our auctions, we know he’s coming to spend money. Last year, he won Alec Baldwin’s spit that was wiped off of a paparazzi’s cheek for over $500,000. If a famous person has been careless with their bodily fluids, Frankie owns it.”

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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg