• Sally Lipshank

Best man sends wedding invitation to groom's ex. Bride loses her shit.

Allison Griner waits for the paramedics to put the missing piece of her nipple in ice
Allison Griner waits for the paramedics to put the missing piece of her nipple in ice

Cleveland, Ohio–Buddy Wanglemat loves a good practical joke. He and his lifelong best friend, Carl Planker, have been busting each other’s balls for over twenty years. From actually busting said balls with well-timed nut taps to giving each other fake gift cards to expensive restaurants, the pair have become the go-to pranksters in our Nation's most disgusting state.

According to last night’s police blotter, however, Wanglemat may have gone too far.

After Allison Griner said yes to Planker’s marriage proposal, the first thing the groom-to-be did was call his best friend. That’s when Wanglemat’s plan began. He offered to help with all of the preparations. One of them being the dreaded wedding invitations. What the bride and groom didn’t know was that Wanglemat added the name of Planker’s ex-girlfriend to the guest list.

According to Matrimony Magazine and just basic common sense, it’s a no-no to invite exes to a wedding. However, approximately twenty percent of those getting married still share their special day with people they used to share bodily fluids with. Although none of those instances seem to include exes who have lied about being pregnant, faked cancer surgery, and/or been convicted of attempted aggravated assault after trying to sever their lover's genitalia. All things that Cheryl Sandstone admitted to doing to Planker in open court last year.

Sandstone and Planker dated, co-habitated, spent Saturday nights at swinger’s clubs, and shared lines of cocaine for over two years. When Planker finally decided to go to rehab, he told Sandstone that she needed to join him or it was over. Sandstone refused. When Planker walked out of the Cleveland Alcohol/Drugs/Sex/Gambling/Brown's Fan Rehabilitation Center thirty days later, she was standing outside waiting for him and holding up a positive pregnancy test.

“I took it out of the trash can at work,” she told a judge during her trial last year. “My co-worker showed it to me. I kept an eye on her the rest of the day and waited for her to throw it away.”

When her baby bump never appeared, Planker asked her what was going on. Sandstone began to cry and claimed that she had a miscarriage. A few days later, Planker asked her to move out. That’s when Sandstone told him she had ovarian cancer and needed surgery.

“She went all out with that story,” Planker said. “She paid a make-up artist to work on her face. She had fake sutures put on her body. I was convinced. But one night I woke up a little horny. I knew regular sex wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to catch her cancer. So I asked her for anal. She lost it. She told me she didn’t spend that much money to fake a disease just so she could get fucked in the ass. Then she ran to the garage and got one of my fishing knives. The kind that kind of looks like a hook. Those fucking things are sharp. The loon ran after me. She kept yelling that she wanted my balls. If my neighbor didn’t shoot her in the calf with his bow and arrow, I’d have been gutted like that Italian dude was by Hannibal Lecter.”

Since she was unsuccessful in collecting Planker’s testicles, the judge was lenient on Sandstone during her sentencing. She was sentenced to time-served and two years probation. She was also ordered to have no contact with Planker.

When Griner saw Sandstone smiling at her as she walked down the aisle, she lost it. She told police, “I knew exactly who that bitch was when I saw her. Carl told me all about her. He showed me pictures. I also knew his stupid, fucking pal, Buddy, was behind it. I could see him laughing.”

Planker, who hadn’t yet seen Sandstone, watched in horror as Griner ran past her and began to attack Wanglemat. “I was just like, what the fuck is going on? But then I saw Buddy laughing. And that was after Allison punched him in the nuts. So I knew he was up to something. Then I looked toward my parents and saw Cheryl sitting behind them. That’s when I realized what was going on. I thought it was weird that he was being so helpful with the invitations. He even licked all of the envelopes. That’s going to be tough to top, but I’ve got a few ideas up my sleeve.”

After Griner finished with Wanglemat, she turned her attention to Sandstone. Unfortunately, the psychotic, knife-wielding bitch still had that fishing knife.

Officer Richard Stroker was visibly upset when we asked him about the incident. “There was blood everywhere. Her white dress–I can’t even describe it. I mean, I thought I was in a Kill Bill movie. She had little cuts everywhere. It was like the assailant was just toying with her. There was what I thought was some skin on the ground. I later found out that it was the tip of her nipple. I don't know if it was the left one or the right one. I also don’t know what Mrs. Griner-Planker was thinking after all of that. She must really love Mr. Planker, because she insisted that the medic tape her up so they could finish the ceremony before she went to the hospital. I’m still in a bit of shock over that. Planker was high-fiving his friend about the joke as the pastor was doing his promise and obey bit.”