• Mark Joseph

Beto O'Rourke announces run for HOA president

Beto O'Rourke the moment he realized the third time wasn't the fucking charm
Beto O'Rourke the moment he realized the third time wasn't the fucking charm

El Paso, Texas—After failing miserably to get the people of the great State of Texas to elect him to something important, Beto O'Rourke has decided he wants to focus on trash cans, overgrown lawns, and ding-dong ditchers.

Once he conceded the governor's race to Greg Abbott, O'Rourke addressed many drunk supporters at his election night watch party.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for showing your support. Also, I want to let you know that the open bar is now a cash bar. I'm told they will also take Cash App and Venmo. Senator Cruz ran a strong...I'm sorry...I have decided to withdraw my name from the Democratic nomination...fuck me...can someone get me the right speech?"

While his aides hurried to assist him, O'Rourke continued.

"Look, we knew this was a long shot. There's not many people outside of El Paso and Austin who like me. But we'll fight on. Tonight, I am announcing my candidacy for Petaluma Estates HOA board president. The residents of Petaluma need a leader. Thankfully, no one else wants the job. It's perfect for us. We're going to raise dues to open several dog parks. Then we're going to make sure everyone can afford a dog, whether they want one or not. And if they need dog food, we're going to provide it for them. There's nothing more important than dogs."

Governor Abbott seemed to be all in for President O'Rourke on Twitter.

The developer for Petaluma Estates told reporters that O'Rourke was welcome to run for board president once he actually purchases a house in the subdivision.