• Mark Joseph

Boppa mistakes Putin for Gorbachev

White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, wonders what the fuck is wrong with Fox News' Peter Douchey
White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, wonders what the fuck is wrong with Fox News' Peter Douchey

Washington D.C.–Unreliable Republican sources far away from the White House have claimed that President Biden addressed Russian President Vladimir Putin using several different monikers during a phone call with the psychopathic asshole earlier this afternoon. Some of the names Boppa called Putin were Mikhail; Mr. Gorbachev; President Gorbachev; Gorby; snuggle muffin; and tasty corn doodle.

When Fox News’ Peter Douchey asked about this claim during the White House press briefing, Boppa’s Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, claimed to not know what a tasty corn doodle is or what the term means.

Douchey then quickly polled members of the press corps on their knowledge of a tasty corn doodle. CNN’s Katilan Collins was the only correspondent who nodded her head. (It should be noted that Ms. Collins was playing Wordle on her phone at the time, which is something most of the press corps does when it’s Douchey’s turn to ask questions.)

Douchey then pressed Psaki further about Boppa’s phone call with Putin. In a bold move, the press secretary said, “The President promised full transparency during his campaign. In that spirit, I can tell you that he has a very close relationship with former Russian President Gorbachev. They do have pet names for each other. For example, Mr. Gorbachev refers to the President as his little chicharrone.”

After she successfully solved the Wordle, Collins interrupted Douchey’s impending follow-up of his follow-up. “Excuse me, Petey. Jen, did the President think he was talking to Mr. Gorbachev?”

Before she answered, Psaki was heard angrily muttering, “Fucking transparency! Jesus Christ. I should have left this job earlier.” She then answered Collins’ question.

“The President, like the rest of the world, is scared of Vladimir Putin. Yesterday, he didn’t want to talk to him. So, Ron Klain, his Chief of Staff, who I’m sure none of you have ever heard of, lied to him and said that Mr. Gorbachev was on the phone. Unfortunately, Boppa. Excuse me, President Biden. He never caught on to the lie and reminisced with who he thought was Mr. Gorbachev for an hour. So, yes he thought he was talking to Gorbachev. However, he was in fact talking to Vlad.”

As the Psaki left the briefing, Douchey winked at Collins. To which she replied, “Roll Tide, motherfucker!”