• Mark Joseph

Boppa Pardons Wrong Turkey. Sens. Cotton and Graham Outraged.

Boppa considers rubbing Tyler the turkey's feathers and sniffing its butt
Boppa considers rubbing Tyler the turkey's feathers and sniffing its butt

In what insiders are calling a massive “Fuck you” to Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, President Biden pardoned Tyler the turkey before he could be served up for Thanksgiving dinner. Boppa was supposed to give a reprieve to Tyler’s cousin, Tommy, who had been raised by Cotton’s son-in-law, a lifelong turkey farmer in Fayetteville.

“Just like everyone else in his party,” Cotton told reporters, “President Biden doesn’t care about crime. Instead of doing what’s right, he would rather see guilty animals and people roam our streets, terrorizing decent citizens. I watched Tyler attack Senator Graham in the atrium. He pecked and pecked at Lindsey’s ankles until they were bloodied. And now he’ll just walk away a free bird, without paying any price.”

Tears rolled down Senator Graham’s eyes as he listened to his colleague speak. When asked about his run-in with Tyler, he responded, “I’m outraged. I’m flabbergasted. I don’t know what else to say. Look at my fucking ankles! I had to use an entire can of Disney princess Band-Aids. That bird is a menace to society. Tommy is the one who should have been spared. He’s the most decent turkey I’ve ever met. I sat with him for two hours and caressed all of his feathers. Beautiful feathers by the way.”

When asked for comment, President Biden simply smiled and gobble gobbled.