• Mark Joseph

Boppa's approval rating drops to -14%


Boppa challenges Fox News' Peter Douchey to a dog walking contest
Boppa challenges Fox News' Peter Douchey to a dog walking contest

Washington D.C.–While it’s not surprising that Boppa Biden’s approval rating is low, considering that the world is on the brink of war; record-setting inflation is on the rise; and gas prices are skyrocketing; it’s mathematically impossible for him to have a negative approval rating.


Or is it?


We asked the author of the most recent polling, head of the mathematics department at Freedom Bluff Community College, Eli Sportinger, for an explanation. He confused the fuck out of us.


“It boils down to this: Boppa has a problem in Canada too. We added 0% popularity in the United States to his popularity in Canada, which was 57% negative and 43% positive. If you subtract the negative from the positive, you get -14%.”


Huh?


When pressed further, Mr. Sportinger became enraged at our lack of stupidity and insisted that we read The Universal History of Numbers.


Before he stormed out of the office, we insisted that the only way an approval rating could be negative was if he included dead people in his count.


The mathematician then broke down in tears and admitted that he did indeed poll dead people.


“I asked their living relatives what they would have said. Every answer I received was littered with fuck Biden, Biden sucks, Biden can bite me, or Biden stole the election. A couple of respondents said they wanted to sleep with Jen Psaki. But those were outliers. Anomalies.”


We asked the head of the ethics department at FBCC, Clint N. Diddit, what he thought about his colleague using dead people in a poll.


“I don’t know. Some people say the dead speak to us. Why can’t they be asked about the state of the world? I know some of them are six feet under because of another president who shall remain nameless. Fuck you, Secret Service.”


For her part, Ms. Psaki said, “Outlier or not, I know a lot of people who want to sleep with me.”