Brawl ends softball beer league game after pitcher plunks batter, umpire steals hoagie
Long Island, New York—A friendly, drunken game of coed softball turned into an angry, drunken game of coed softball after a pitcher for Mike's Meats and Ice Cream hit a batter for Bert's Brewhouse and Carburetor Repair on the head with a 2 MPH slowball.
Just before Bert's Dominick Petracelli stepped onto the field to bat against his ex-wife, Mike's Lisa Marie Caputo, he gave his girlfriend, Gina Scorciano, a peck on the cheek, a pinch on the nipple, and a slap on the butt. As soon as he stepped into the batter's box, Caputo lobbed a slow-moving softball toward his head. Ten seconds later, the ball hit Petracelli square in the jaw.
After checking on her boyfriend and seeing that he was fine (Petracelli was later heard telling teammates that it was just a fucking softball), Scorciano charged toward Caputo with a hoagie in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
"I was extremely disappointed in Gina when I seen her do what she done," Bert's third baseman, Chaim Goldmann told reporters. "She hadn't even taken a bite of out the hoagie or taken a sip from the beer before she tossed them at Lisa Marie. And she didn't even hit her. What a waste. I tell you what really pissed me off, though. The fucking umpired picked up the hoagie and drank what was left of the beer."
According to the umpire, Crawford "Buck" O'Malley, that's when the shit hit the fan.
"Both teams ran after me like I just stole the Crown fucking Jewels. This league is BYOB, and they take that shit seriously. I tried to run, but they cornered me in the backstop. I would have climbed it, but I was still holding the loot. Sand or not, that hoagie was fucking tasty."
By the time the melee was over, Caputo and Scorciano were seen laughing and sharing stories about Petracelli. An investigation was started by the league office, but immediately dropped after a two-minute discussion.
A spokesman for the league said, "What the hell is there to investigate? It involved an ex, a girlfriend, and a lot of beer. That's every street corner in America. We fired Buck, though. BYOB refers to everyone."