• Mark Joseph

Bruce Banner sexually transmitting his hulkiness around the globe

Leo Williams of Auckland, New Zealand shows off his green look days after having sex with Bruce Banner
Leo Williams of Auckland, New Zealand shows off his green look, minutes after having sex with Bruce Banner

Burbank, California—Talk about leaving bread crumbs. After the first episode of She-Hulk aired on Disney+ last week, internet sleuths quickly unraveled a mystery that has been shrouded in secrecy. Why the hell are people around the world turning green?

"Bruce Banner is a bi-sexual manwhore," says Rex Cartwright, a full-time comic book reader who lives in the backroom of his uncle's trailer that sits behind his garage on a dirt road in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. "Once I seen that he turned his cousin into She-Hulk with his blood, I knew we cracked the case wide open. I'm a member of an online community that I can't name at the moment. We've been tracking sightings of green people all around the world. Iran, Nicaragua, Canada, Iceland. Everywhere. I did some digging. Every time it happened, Bruce Banner was there. He's been indiscriminately fucking people and turning them into Hulks with his semen."

Banner's alter ego seemed to acknowledge his promiscuity on Twitter after he declined comment for this story.

Is being unstoppable and green all it's cracked up to be? According to Olga Petrov of Moscow, yes it is.

"When I was a little girl, my father told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Then he was poisoned and murdered by the KGB for hoarding peanut butter. Now I can be big and green whenever I want. Thank you, Hulk."

Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios, spent some time yesterday on damage control.

"Look, we've known about Bruce's, um, needs for a while. We just asked him to be inclusive. We assumed he understood that to mean inclusive of all humans. Why he did that to a horse, I don't know. But I can tell you that the horse's trainers are very pleased with her race times."

Immediately after the Hulk tweeted his statement, The Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout did the same.

Shrek and Kermit the Frog could not be reached for comment.