• Sonny Soderberg

Ca. Gov. Newsom declares state of emergency due to seasonal cold. New lock down ordered.

Todd the teddy bear makes no attempt to help his owner as she chokes on a strawberry cough drop
Todd the teddy bear makes no attempt to help his owner as she chokes on a strawberry cough drop

Sacramento, California—As a cold bug rips through the State of California, Governor Gavin Newsom isn't taking any chances. After carefully consulting with his campaign donors, staff, and pollsters, he has declared a state of emergency. By 3 P.M. today, all non-essential businesses, libraries, dog parks, and schools must shut down through November 9th. Public schools in Los Angeles have been deemed essentially detrimental and will remain open, while all police departments within the state have been told to continue to be racist.

During a typically stoic and well enunciated press briefing this morning, Newsom explained his reasoning for the latest lockdown.

"After careful consideration of the drop in my popularity, I have decided that there is nothing common about this current cold bug that is tormenting our state. It is impossible to walk down the street, enter an office, or sit on a toilet in a public restroom without hearing a sneeze or a sniffle. This cold has the potential to cost California hundreds of dollars in lost productivity. While I understand that this new lock down with cost millions, maybe even billions, it is essential that we stay home until AFTER November's election.

"All professional sports teams, with the exception of the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors and the ass-kicking Los Angeles Dodgers, will not be allowed to practice or play in the state. University athletes, with the exception of the traitorous USC Trojans and UCLA Bruins, will be allowed to compete. However, competitions must be limited to ping pong or pickleball."

A quick telephone survey of five potential voters showed strong support for Newsom's new lockdown order with one respondent asking if he was going to get money from the government again. Others simply looked forward to eating Doritos rewatching Parks and Recreation.