• Carol Tannenbaum

Chief Sparout suspended for getting hooker in Las Vegas

Chief of Police James “Captain Jack” Sparout, contemplates which city council member he's going to blackmail first
Chief of Police James “Captain Jack” Sparout, contemplates which city council member he's going to blackmail first

Freedom Bluff Chief of Police James “Captain Jack” Sparout has been suspended with pay for two weeks following an investigation into rumors about a trip he took to Las Vegas with his fraternity brothers from the University of San Joaquin.

After his disciplinary hearing, Chief Sparout read a brief statement to a couple of reporters and some residents of Freedom Bluff who were walking into the city offices to obtain vendor licenses for the annual Freedom Lives Here music festival.

“I want to apologize to my wives, Samantha, Gwen, Denise, and Heather; my wives-to-be, Evelyn and Cassandra; and my girlfriend, Juanita. I would also like to apologize to my grandchildren, Timmy, Brock, Broderick, Ludlow, Colten, Conner, Blitz, Mariah, Meredith, Juliette, Winnie, Claudia, and Sarah; my children, James II, James III, James IV, James V, Stephanie, and Alyssa; and any other children I am financially supporting or have yet to learn about. In addition, I would like to apologize to a competitively priced, sweet young woman named Cinnamon who didn’t deserve to have her beautiful red hair dragged through the mud. To my fraternity brothers: I love you more than anything in the world. With the exception of whichever one of you motherfuckers sent a screenshot of my Venmo payment for Cinnamon's services to the county supervisors.

To the mayor and council members who held this kangaroo court, I say fuck you to you, your families, your worm-sucking dead relatives, and the oversized horse you assholes rode in on. What kind of a world do we live in when whatever a man does in Las Vegas is somehow turned into an affront to Freedom Bluff? My wives give me one free weekend every year to do whatever the hell I want. I happen to choose to go the Las Vegas, which is as close to fucking Fantasy Island as anything else in this world. Ricardo Montalbán must be turning in his grave right now. I know that little, three-foot fucker who stood by him is too.

Just to show the people of this great city who the real man is around our here, I plan to spend the next two weeks in Las Vegas. So thank you, council fuckers, for this paid vacation.”

When asked to comment on Mr. Sparout’s statement, Freedom Bluff public relations officer Lori Liddicoat, said, “Making it a paid suspension may not be the most popular decision, but Captain Jack has been with the city for over thirty years. Just like any other government body, there are skeletons in some closets around here that we would prefer to keep in the hamper."