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  • Carol Tannenbaum

Clayton Kershaw breaks Dodgers K record, then makes MLB history


Clayton Kershaw moments after finding out that he set an MLB mark that should never have been set
Clayton Kershaw moments after finding out that he set an MLB mark that should never have been set

Los Angeles, California–With the 2,697th strikeout of his career in the fourth inning of Saturday night’s game against the Detroit Tigers, Clayton Kershaw broke a Los Angeles Dodgers record that was held by Don Sutton across five decades. (Considering that Sutton's career began in 1966 and ended in 1988, that stat is misleading as fuck, but technically true.)


Little did the crowd of 52,613 know as they gave Kershaw a standing ovation was that the southpaw was in the middle of doing something even more special. Something that hadn’t been done by any of the other 20,036 men who have played Major League Baseball since 1876.


When Kershaw walked off the mound in the fifth inning, he became the first major league baseball player to not spit, scratch his balls, argue with an umpire, or adjust his hat for 2 ⅓ innings. After being informed of this uniquely Herculean effort, Kershaw immediately did all four as he stepped onto the mound to begin the sixth inning.


“I love Don Sutton,” he told a locker room of reporters after the game. “He wouldn’t have been shit in today’s game. We all know that. It took him 157 more games to reach 2,696 than it took me. But it’s an honor to have passed him.”


He then became irate when asked why he stopped his spitless, non ball-scratching, acting like a grown-up, and low OCD streak.


“Why the fuck would I want to be known for that? We’re fucking ball players. That’s what we do. I guarantee you, every time I walk out of the dugout for the rest of my career, I’m grabbing my balls like I’m about to pitch with them.”


Don’t worry, Juan Soto. Your ball-grabbing streak is safe.

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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg