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  • Todd Beacon

Councilwoman Coldheart confronts Mayor about his incessant farting


Freedom Bluff resident, Zeke Pedigree, recreates his reaction to Mayor Corkenburger's farts
Freedom Bluff resident, Zeke Pedigree, recreates his reaction to Mayor Corkenburger's farts

Freedom Bluff Councilwoman Deborah Coldheart has had enough and she’s not putting up with it anymore. During last night’s city council meeting, she interrupted Councilwoman Colleen Linklighter's Proper Gun Care Is Affordable Child Care presentation and berated Mayor Carlyle “Corky” Corkenburger for his intermittent farting.


Transcripts for city council meetings are normally available online a couple of hours after the meetings. However, twelve hours later they are still not available. When asked why they weren’t available, Freedom Bluff public relations officer Lori Liddicoat told us that no meeting occurred last night. When informed that witnesses watched the meeting on Facebook even though it had no audio, Ms. Liddicoat said they must have been watching a rerun.


We asked local hacker and last year’s elementary school science fair winner, Starr Hemingway, for a little help. Within a few minutes, she emailed us a copy of the transcripts along with a request to not let his parents know. Sorry, Starr.


Below is a snippet of what transpired last night.


Councilman Bijou “Stubby” Richard Poll: “Who baked these cookies? They’re delicious.”


City Manager Gladys Corkenburger: “I did, Councilman.”


Councilwoman Poll: “I’ve never tasted anything like these. What is your secret?”


*Inaudible whoosh*


City Manager Corkenburger: “I use a pinch of love and a dibble dabble of heart.”


*Laughter*


City Secretary Smitty Carmichael: “What’s that smell?”


*Inaudible burst of air, followed by five-second, high-pitched sound of boiling crabs*


Councilwoman Linklighter: “Can we get back to the agenda, please? I’m next.”


Mayor Corkenburger: “Please begin, Madam Councilwoman.”


*Sound of cats scratching their backs against a couch*


Councilwoman Linklighter: “Thank you, Mayor. Tonight, as we discussed in our previous meeting, I wish to present to you an idea that is long overdue. One that will change the course, trajectory, and future of Freedom Bluff.”


Councilman Jimbo Daggerhart: “Oh, God. Here we go.”


Councilwoman Linklighter: “Ladies and gentlemen, proper gun care is affordable childcare. We all know it’s true. The better we take care of our guns, the less likely our sweet, innocent children are to get shot accidentally or on purpose.”


*Child making the sound of an explosion with his toy rocket?*


Councilwoman Coldheart: “I can’t take this anymore! I’m sorry, Colleen. Are we all just going to pretend that we aren’t hearing and smelling what the mayor is doing to our meeting? I’ve put up with this for almost two years!”


Mayor Corkenburger: “What in the world are you talking about, Deborah?”


Councilwoman Coldheart: “You know damn well what I’m talking about, Mayor. You stink up this room every minute you're in here. I could set my watch to your farts. Once the second hand hits twelve, it sounds like a goddamn Batman fight scene in here.”


Councilman Poll: “Which Batman?”


Councilman Daggerhart: “I’m going to go with Val Kilmer, maybe Michael Keaton.”


Councilwoman Coldheart: “I was thinking Christian Bale. Definitely not Ben Affleck.”


City Attorney Dixie Langenwalter: “Oh, God. Don’t get me started. Bale was the BEST Batman. Affleck sucked.”


City Secretary Carmichael: “No way. Affleck was the best.”


Councilman Coldheart: “Enough! I’m talking about the TV show. Adam West. Kapow. Bang. Vronk. Splatt. Sploosh. That’s what her farts sound like.”


*Laughter*


Councilwoman Linklighter: “Okay, boomer.”


City Secretary Carmichael: “Who’s Adam West?”


City Attorney Langenwalter: “Batman had a TV show?”


Councilwoman Linklighter: “In the 50s or something. When Coldheart was starting college.”


Mayor Corkenburger: “I’m not farting. It’s just my phone vibrating. And if I were, I certainly wouldn’t be doing it like Adam West. I’m more of a Robert Pattinson man.”


*Silence*


Mayor Corkenburger: “No one has anything to say about Pattinson’s portrayal of Batman?”


City Secretary Carmichael: “We all know you’re farting, Mayor. But it’s okay. Men of your…experience, shall we say, go through this from time to time.”


Councilman Coldheart: “Experience? You mean men who were around when the horse and buggy were replaced with cars?”


Councilwoman Linklighter: “Said the woman who worked with the Wright brothers.”


*Very audible Kaplonk, Bang, Pow, and Zok*


Councilman Coldheart: “Holy Mary, Joseph and the wee baby. He’s violating the Geneva Convention now.”


Councilwoman Linklighter: “I just wanted to talk about guns and children.”


At that point, the city council meeting was adjourned with no business being conducted. When asked for comment on this story, Mayor Corkenburger said, “It’s the Buspirone I’m taking. It does wonders for my anxiety. Unfortunately, constant flatulence is a side effect.”

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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg