• Mark Joseph

Democrat and Republican parties prepare to claim midterm elections were stolen

Portland, Oregon resident and professional protester Jonathan Trumble shows the sign he's been using at protests since 1986
Portland, Oregon resident and professional protester, Jonathan Trumble, shows the sign he's been using to "fight the man" since 1986. He doesn't know which man he'll be fighting in November, but he's prepared to be ignored by him.

Washington, D.C.—The upcoming 2022 midterm elections in November are the most important in the history of the United States. They replace the 2020 elections, which are now the second most important ever. The 2018 elections used to be the most important, but now they rank third. The 1828 elections (Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's first) were by far the most important (in 1828), but now they rank as the 534th.

According to leaders of both the Democrat and Republican Parties, with each new election being more important than the previous, it has become increasingly more obvious that the winner stole it (if you aren't the winner).

Democratic Party Chair Jaime Harrison is already planning to fight any potential losses that may or may not happen.

"We've already got lawyers on retainer in every state. Republican's steal everything. People think Lindsey Graham whipped my ass by ten percentage points in 2020. That's not possible. I know the Russians helped him. The Austrailians did too. I fucking hate kangaroos. Bouncy ass motherfuckers.

"One of my classmates stole my lunch money every day when I was in the 6th grade. Johnny Mize. He grew up to be a Republican. That's what they do. They steal. Abraham Lincoln? I guarantee that motherfucker sent goats and chickens into vote. The Whigs are thieves too. Watch out for them. President Zachary Taylor my ass. That was some fucking bullshit."

Harrison's counterpart, Republican Party Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel (no relation to Ronald McDonald) feels exactly the same way.

"Fuck Democrats. I know for a fact that Donald Trump won every state in 2020. And I had proof. But the Democrats stole it. I also had proof of them stealing my proof. But guess what? They fucking stole that too. With the help of that fucker up north, Justin Trudeau. Fuck Canada too.

"We've got more lawyers than the Democrats. Plus we have Clint Eastwood. Have you ever seen Clint Eastwood steal anything? No. Booyah, bitch!

"Seriously, though. We'll be filing motions in every country of every state the day before the midterms. No one is getting away with shit."

Leaders of the Green Party were asked for comment, however, they were on a bike ride to raise awareness of United States Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm's common sense, which has been missing for a number of years.