• Sonny Soderberg

Democrats still hate Republicans

Sen. Yahoo tries to fart on Sen. Cornyn office chair
Sen. Yahoo tries to fart on Sen. Cornyn office chair

Washington, D.C.–Identified, known, and named sources confirmed this week that all members of the Democratic Party still hate the Republicans.

“Our hatred had nothing to do with Donald Trump,” Rep. Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We’ve always hated the Republicans. Personally, I was born to hate those fuckers. I’ll die with this fucking gavel in my hand. Just to spite McCarthy.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went even further. “If I had my way, they would all go down to Texas to visit Ted Cruz and die in a tornado that they caused with their climate policy.”

When asked to respond to Ocasio-Cortez, Senator Cruz said, “The only one I want visiting is her. I can still smell her shampoo on my fingertips. Heidi is out of town. So this weekend works for me.”

How does the Senate majority leader feel about his counterparts?

Senator Mitch McConnell was just as non-cryptic as his fellow legislators. “I don’t hate them. I just like fucking with them. They remind me of the little kindergartners in elementary school. The ones who want to be just like the older kids. They idolize them. They mimic them. They dream about them. Then they go wipe their asses with their fingers and spread shit everywhere.”

Haters gonna hate.