FBPD finds mattress and box spring owners through DNA testing
When Maxine Walters received a certified letter from the Freedom Bluff Police Department, she assumed it pertained to possible parole violations from her statutory rape conviction. “I was nineteen and the dude was a month away from being eighteen. Now I’m not supposed to be near a school. How the hell am I supposed to drop my kid’s off? And the hit and run was more hit than run. All I did was drive around the block. I didn’t know the law specified that I was supposed to stay in sight.”
When Maxine opened the letter she was floored to see a bill for $1,000, which included a disposal fee of $300 and a littering fine of $700 ($350 for a mattress and $350 for a box spring.)
“I was like, what the fuck? The only time I ever threw trash on the ground, it was a bubble gum wrapper. And that was in the fifth grade!”
Under a first-of-its-kind vote, the Freedom Bluff City Council passed a measure last year that provided funds for the FBPD to conduct DNA testing on mattresses and box springs discarded on city property. Ms. Walters is the first ‘victim’ of the Good Citizens Don’t Throw Their Nasty-Ass, Stained Mattresses On The Side of the Road Like Little Bitches campaign.
“The box springs were all in pretty good condition, though. They were resold at the county thrift store.”
When contacted by email, we received an automatic reply from Chief of Police James “Captain Jack” Sparout that read, “On suspension for getting a hooker in Las Vegas. Please direct all inquiries to Lori Liddicoat.”
Ms. Liddicoat told us, “Mattress piling has become a hot-button issue in Freedom Bluff. Last year alone, we had to haul away over three hundred mattresses and more than one hundred box springs. The box springs were all in pretty good condition, though. They were resold at the city thrift store. We assume the people who threw them away bought a different size bed. Why else would anyone throw away a well-constructed box spring that's still in good condition, right? Even if they have stains, it’s not like anyone sees them under the bed skirt.”
When we toured Ms. Walters’ home, she showed us her bed. “Look at this! Does it look like I bought this set recently? It’s got fucking knife marks from a biker I was dating and cigarette stains from when I had to let my mom stay with us when her husband found out she was still sleeping with my dad.”
When pressed about how her DNA was found on a queen-size mattress that was leaning against the fence of the Freedom Bluff soup kitchen, Ms. Walters smirked. “Hey, he was forty-five if he was a day.”
And the full-size box spring that was found at Skylander Park?
“He was of age too. At least his ID was. You had to be twenty-one to get into that bar.”
Ms. Walters plans to fight her fine in court. As for the parole violations she admitted to in this article, she has hired a lawyer.