• Sonny Soderberg

Kid who dies of hunger every ten seconds told to stop being so dramatic

Eight-year-old Jackson Stanangza contemplates chopping off his doctor's weiner and roasting it over an open fire
Eleven-year-old Jackson Stanangza contemplates chopping off his doctor's wiener and roasting it over an open fire

Sarasota, Florida—We've all heard the heartbreaking phrase "every ten seconds a child dies of hunger." Authorities in Sarasota now claim that child, Jackson Stanangza, is one of their own, after the Cletus Goldfinger Middle School sixth-grader was arrested for vandalism; attempted cannibalism; not paying for lunch; stealing several fat kid's lunches; assault of a statue; and being a whiny, little dick.

The mother of the fat, privileged twat, Marissa Stanangza, told juvenile court judge, William Gatorsby, that her son has been a pain in the ass ever since she spat him out of her who-who.

"I'm sorry for my son, Your Honor. He was born hungry. I swear to God, the little cunt has five stomachs. He's never satisfied. It's just him and me. His father left us right after he fucked me. I didn't even get a chance to give him my number. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. I'm lucky if my weekly grocery bill is less than seven hundred dollars. I spend my days working and my nights clipping coupons, just so I can save fifty cents on three boxes of cereal."

When asked to explain himself, the young Stanangza told the court that he had no control over his reaction to hunger.

"I can't help myself, Your Honor. The more I eat, the more I need to eat. I'm like that guy on The X-Files rerun I watched. To survive, he ate people who had cancer. Sometimes I just want to eat people. I would have eaten the statue of Mr. Goldfinger if Mr. Tutorberry hadn't tackled me."

Judge Gatorsby was not sympathetic to the young man's plight.

"Jackson, there is going to be a food shortage some day. And it's fat little monsters like you who are going to be the reason for it. The amount of food you eat on an hourly basis could feed all the hungry kids in the world for weeks. You don't have five stomachs. You're just a spoiled little fat kid who needs a daddy. Your drama isn't the world's problem. I hereby order you to exercise, cut out sugar, and add more fiber to your diet. Additionally, you need to stop being an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Especially a fat asshole."

Stanangza was also ordered to pay his mother $50,000 by the time he turns twenty-five years old.