• Mark Joseph

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson split. Losers with no chance rejoice.

Ohio farmer Leslie Stimple shows off the vegetables he picked for Kim Kardashian
Ohio farmer Myron Stimple shows off the vegetables he picked for Kim Kardashian

Hollywood, California—News travels fast. Especially when you use Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat to share your personal life with the world.

Kimpy, Karvidson, and/or another Hollywood couple that people with no life care about are no more. Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson will no longer be fucking on a regular basis. One source said, "It's just difficult to have regular intercourse with one person when one of you is on the East Coast and the other is on the West Coast. Especially when there are so many other people in closer proximity that you can nail."

News of the breakup has breathed new life into the boners of a lot of single, male losers. Once Kardashian tweeted about her heartbreak, a loud boom was heard across the state of Ohio.

Myron Stimple, President of the Ohio Vegetable Farmer's Association, declared himself first in line to the thong throne. "This is greatest day of my life. First, I had to wait out Damon Thomas. Then, it was Ray J. After that, it was those two Nicks and Reggie Bush. She just kept finding guys! When she got married to that basketball player, I thought to myself, 'Why didn't I take my shot?' After she divorced him, I loaded up my pickup with a bunch of tomatoes, which technically aren't vegetables, but we still grow them. That's when she got married to that rapper dude and started giving her kids weird names. I knew that wasn't going to last. Just like I knew it wasn't going to last with that Saturday Night Live fellow. I'm ready this time. I got me all kinds of gifts for her. Okra, celery, beets. You name it. I've even borrowed some pears from my neighbor."

God bless you, Ohio. You just keeping giving dumb and ugly new life.