• Carol Tannenbaum

Dodgers weirdo Trevor Bauer found unconscious. Taken to hospital.

Trevor Bauer's wish list on Amazon
Trevor Bauer's wish list on Amazon

Trevor Bauer was taken to a Los Angeles hospital early this morning in what appeared to be a self-strangulation incident.

Doctors wouldn’t comment on his condition due to the really fucked degree of depravity their patient displayed after being brought back to life.

“All I’ll say is that the guy really needs help,” Dr. Ian Brooks told reporters.

One of the nurses on duty when Bauer woke up gave a more detailed summary of what happened. “His eyes opened and he got angry. Then he put his left hand in his pants and started to strangle himself with his right hand. I’ve never seen a man get that hard so fast.”

After he was released, Bauer was all smiles. “Fucking Manfred can’t suspend me for this shit. I was by myself. I didn’t touch anyone but myself. That’s what they want, isn’t it? I can’t touch women. I can’t touch animals. Hell, I can’t even order porn. But I can do whatever the fuck I want to do to me. My body, my choice.”