The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg
  • Mark Joseph

Man tears his ACL trying to push cart at IKEA

Colten Sax conjures a wican spell on his wife as she happily relives his accident
Colten Sax conjures a wican spell on his wife as she happily relives his accident

Austin, Texas–Swedish meatballs; bedroom makeovers; instructions written by heavily inebriated aliens who eat pot gummies as snacks; and, according to Austinite, Colten Sax, “Carts that have fucking wheels covered in KY jelly.”

Jennifer Sax dragged her husband to Ikea early Saturday morning to pick up a cutting board, a couple of candles, three decorative pillows, and some furry hangers.

“It was just supposed to be a quick trip. In and out.”

Mr. Sax disagreed. “Nothing is quick at Ikea. Their shortcuts are bullshit. Their hot dogs taste like ass. I hate that fucking place.”

And the carts?

“Every time I go there, I feel like I’m walking on a sheet of black ice. Why the hell can’t the carts have normal wheels? There are so many fucking turns in that place. I look like fucking Bambi trying to walk across a pond.”

When the couple made it to the halfway point of the store, Mr. Sax’s stomach started to rumble. “It was those so-called hot dogs. They're probably made of pig guts. They went right through me. I saw a sign for a bathroom. My wife was like, ‘Honey, there’s no bathroom here.’ I pointed at the sign, and said, ‘Look! It says bathroom.’ Then she was like, ‘Honey, we’re in the bathroom section.’ Fucking shit! I hate that place. My stomach wouldn’t stop. So we hurried up. Then I saw another sign for a shortcut to bathrooms. Then my wife laughed at me.”

“I hate her. My wife is the fucking devil. Take her with you.”

“I felt horrible,” Mrs. Cox told us. “He had to go so bad. But it was so funny. It was a shortcut back to the bathroom section.”

Mr. Cox didn’t share his wife’s glee. “I don’t know what the fuck is so funny about someone being ten seconds away from shitting his pants. I took off. Fuck the shortcuts. I headed straight toward the exit. It was like I was playing Mario Kart. I was throwing our hangers at people in front of me. Every time someone tried to pass me, I bumped them into a bookshelf. I was on fire. Literally. My ass was burning with pain. Once I saw the cash registers, I thought I was home free. I had one last turn to go, then my cart started to drift. When I tried to pull it back, my knee buckled.”

Mrs. Cox was still having fun at her husband’s expense in his hospital room. “It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Once he hit the ground, he pooped. I was so glad that we picked up some towels too.”

“I hate her. My wife is the fucking devil. Take her with you.”

“We are sorry that Mr. Cox couldn’t find his way to the bathroom in time,” an Ikea spokesman said. “Our hot dogs aren’t for everyone.”

What about the carts?

“If he was in such a hurry, he could have asked his wife to push it.”

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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg