• Mark Joseph

Man clips toenails, wife accuses him of wanting to have sex


Oklahoma City police detain Sharon Pickens after she attacked her husband, Ed, with a curling iron
Oklahoma City police detain Sharon Pickens after she attacked her husband, Ed, with a curling iron

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma–For Ed Pickens, last Wednesday night was nothing more than the usual. Until he began to take his shoes and socks off. “Something was caught on the inside of my sock, so I pulled it off inside out. That’s when I felt the fabric ripping. After I let go, my sock was just hanging by the end of the nail on my ring toe.”


Ed’s wife, Sharon, called bullshit. “The man clips his toenails twice a year. And he just happened to decide to make one of those times tonight? AFTER we watched Monster’s Ball? Whatever. I know what Halle Berry does to him. He can go have a ball with his own monster in the bathroom. By himself!”


According to the police report, when officers arrived at the Pickens’ home, Mr. Pickens was on the porch. He had a golf ball-sized lump above his right eye and was clipping his pinky toe.


One of the officers noted, “It is unclear why Mrs. Pickens thought her husband had ulterior motives. If I had toenails as long and as thick as Mr. Pickens, I would have needed a belt sander.”


“If Ed wants to have sex, his best chance is on Saturday or Sunday night. But he better clean the fucking toilets first.”

“There was something wrong with my foot all week,” Mr. Pickens told the officers. “I thought I had broken my middle toe. It turns out it was just the other toe’s nail digging into it.”


When asked what would have been wrong with her husband grooming himself for a possible run around the track, Mrs. Pickens said, “It’s the fucking middle of the week. I work all day, then I go to PTA meetings, do the grocery shopping, pick up the dry cleaning, or pick up after the kids. I do everything around here. I’m exhausted by the end of the day. The last thing I want to do is spread my legs wide open like a tramp. I’m not a freshman in college anymore. You know what I mean? If Ed wants to have sex, his best chance is on Saturday or Sunday night. But he better clean the fucking toilets first.”


No tickets were issued and Mr. Pickens declined to press charges. Before the officers left, they asked him if the movie made him horny. “Of course, it did. Sharon didn’t have to attack me, though. I'm well aware of her ‘no sex until I clean the toilets’ rule. Believe me, she doesn't let me forget. I was just waiting for her to go to sleep so I could take care of business myself.”


The officers also noted in their report that a Billy Bob Thornton fantasy could have been on Mr. Pickens menu.