• Todd Beacon

Mayor Corkenburger introduces plan to bring light rail to Freedom Bluff


Gladys Shoemaker, a resident of the Freedom Bluff Senior Living Center and Crematorium, pays her swear jar after listening to Corky's proposal
Gladys Shoemaker, a resident of the Freedom Bluff Senior Living Center and Crematorium, pays her swear jar after listening to Corky's proposal

Speaking at the Freedom Bluff Senior Living Center and Crematorium this morning, Mayor Corkenburger touted his plan to build a light rail system in Freedom Bluff.


"Traffic in our great city has become impossible," the mayor said. "I know a lot of you don't care about that. Some of you haven't driven a car in twenty years. Most of you won't even leave this place until you're just a pile of ashes. But I'm going to tell you something. Your vote still matters to me.


"Your grandchildren need light rail. It used to take me three minutes to drive my John Deere from the Freedom Bluff Chocolate and Laxative Mill to the Freedom Bluff Brewery and Rehab Center. Now it takes five minutes. In a year, it will take another thirty seconds. And none of that has to do with the bad clutch on my tractor. It has everything to do with the fact that TXDOT made us install crosswalks and those two traffic lights downtown. If they have their way, we're going to be stuck with school zones in front of Freedom Bluff Elementary!


"Light rail is the key to our future. I've been in secret negotiations with a man from New Zealand. I can't share the specifics due to possible future litigation, but rest assured my Kiwi senses are overwhelmingly in favor. I just need two things from you. Your vote and your trust. If you can only give me one, I'll take your vote."


When asked to comment on Corky's plan, his opponent, Gina Spott, said, "Well, I don't necessarily have a problem with it, but I'm not a big fan of light colors. I don't see why they rail couldn't be blue or red. Maybe even pink."