• Mark Joseph

Mets use 21 pitchers to complete no-no against Phillies


Mets fans demand more beer
Mets fans demand more beer

New York, New York–One of Major League Baseball’s most exclusive clubs added twenty-one members last night. The New York Yankees ugly cousin, the New York Mets, used their entire pitching staff, five groundskeepers, and a ball boy to complete this year’s first no-hitter.


Tylor Megill pitched to two batters in the first. He was replaced by Adam Ottavino, who finished off the inning. Max Scherzer, Yoan Lopez, Trevor May, Drew Smith, and Carlos Carrasco all threw one pitch in the third. The eight other pitchers on the roster keep the Phillies at bay until the sixth.


“I was staring at the scoreboard all night,” head groundskeeper Theo Lattimore said. “Once Seth Lugo walked off the mound in the fifth inning, I was wondering what Buck Showalter was going to do. Then I got the call. He didn’t even give me time to warm up. I knew I always had it in me. I’ve watched these guys pitch for years.”


Mets fans stood on their feet and chanted “Sell more beer” when fourteen-year-old ball boy Ian Grandiflora walked to the mound in the ninth inning.


“Billy Eppler approached me in the eighth inning,” Grandiflora said. “He told me this is my chance to shine. Then he gave me a napkin that had a handwritten contract on it and told me to sign it. After I did, he said, ‘Congratulations, kid. You’re a Met now.’ I’m glad I was part of history, but I only made $1. And it’s kind of embarrassing. I didn’t even want to be here. I’m a Yankee fan. My dad told me I had to. He’s got some deal going with the assistant to the intern of the ticket sales department. I was trying to throw the ball down the middle so the Phillies could break the no-hitter up. It was like they were wearing blindfolds. Man, those guys really suck.”