My co-worker won't stop being mean to me
My name is Harold. I've been working at a new job for about six months now. I have a co-worker who has been mean to me since the first day I started. She's constantly calling me dumb and ugly. She tells the other women at work that I have a small penis and take experimental medication from Mexico to make it bigger. She even complained to our HR department that I have bad body odor. I don't know what to do!
At My Wit's End in Ohio
Dear At My Wit's End,
As far as I'm concerned, you've got two strikes against you. The fact that you're from Ohio disgusts me. I'd tell you to leave that godforsaken hellhole, but you'll just end up contaminating another state, so stay the fuck where you are. Secondly, with a name like Harold who wouldn't want to bully you?
Having said that, I'm willing to help. This is an easy problem to solve. Even for someone with a small penis. You didn't say where you work, so I'll have to give you a few suggestions. If it's a warehouse, boxes fall all the time. Maybe a heavy one that is full of auto parts just happens to fall when your co-worker is walking by. If you work in an office, open up that stapler of yours and shoot a few two-pronged metal rockets into her eyeball. If you work in a retail store, steal the money from her register. She'll get blamed and then fired.
I have other suggestions, but I think you get the gist. Be a man and use your imagination. Stand up for yourself. Loser.
If you have mental deficiencies that won't allow you to handle even the simplest of problems, send an email to DearTDS@thisdogstinks.com. We'll be sure to thoroughly fuck you up more.