• Sally Lipshank

My Grandma won't die, and I really need her money


Credit Limit Exceeded's granny looks pretty spry, but she might not make it if someone forces her to take a nose dive off the bridge
Credit Limit Exceeded's granny looks pretty spry, but she might not make it if someone forces her to take a nose dive off the bridge

Dear TDS,


My Grandmother is about to turn eighty. I love her very much, but I would like her to move on to the next realm. When she dies, I'm going to inherit two million dollars. I'm thirty-five years old. I think that thirty-five years with her in my life is enough. I'm flat broke. I could really use that money. It's not like I want her to die a painful death. What should I do?


Credit Limit Exceeded in Tampa




Dear Credit Limit Exceeded,


You aren't wrong. Thirty-five years of one person is enough. I'm assuming that granny hasn't given you the money because she's holding it over your head. She probably forces you to come visit every Sunday, am I right? Well, use those visits to your advantage. Chemical contaminates in an elderly person's coffee can do wonders for their heir's bank accounts. So do falls down the stairs, accidental seat belt uncouplings, trips to the zoo, and sudden movements of garage doors.


Just remember this: DNA, fingerprints, online receipts, and security cameras can really fuck up a murder.


Sally


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