• Sally Lipshank

Netflix newest originals will only have one episode per season

Ted Sarandos poses next to an incredibly reflective window and forces people to keep looking back and forth
Ted Sarandos poses next to an incredibly reflective window and forces people to keep looking back and forth

Los Gatos, California–In the latest fight to capture viewer’s attention, Netflix has announced that all of its future original programming will only have one episode per season.

Ted Sarandos, CEO of the brain-dead streaming service, told reporters, “It was just the next logical step. Viewers are picky. It’s hard to keep their attention for too long. So we thought, why not just load all of the drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence into one episode? You’re going to see a kid get snatched, guys shooting heroin before getting naked with their sisters, some ass-whipping, and then…boom…either the kid gets home safe or he’s snuffed out in some sinister way. Like getting thrown off a bridge, or stuffed down his own chimney. Maybe his parents didn’t even find out for five weeks and were just sending smoke up his bones the whole time. I don’t know. I don’t write the shit. I just come up with the genius ideas. But it’s all going to happen in thirty-six minutes. I’m not sure if we announced that additional change or not, but the time of each episodic drama is going to be shortened too.”

When asked about the length of future comedies, he said, “We’re actually just going to show knock knock jokes on the screen for about five minutes.”

What about cliffhangers?

“Honestly, that’s just built in. These shows aren’t going to be very long. There’s no way the story can be completed in that short amount of time. People will get used to the change. It’s going to kind of be like sex before and after marriage. Before you get hitched, you do it twice a day. After, maybe once a day in the first year. By the time you’re married for ten years, you’re lucky if you do it once a week. It just keeps fucking getting less and less as the years go by. So that's, yeah, so, yes, there will be cliffhangers. And commercials.”

A rep from HULU said, “We’re not even going to do originals anymore. No one really likes ours. We may just pay Netflix for theirs and call them HULU Originals. Everyone falls for it when Netflix does that with the British shows.”