New gender discovered. Experts say SOLOS is the new climate change.
Seattle, Washington—Another day, another gender. The latest change to humanity is called SOLOS (Simply Only Loving One's Self).
Caroline Merkel, a gender expert at North Seattle College, says that SOLOS will soon be the majority gender. "It's our next evolutionary phase. Unfortunately, it's going to make us extinct. Sure, we can all go fuck ourselves, but we can't get ourselves pregnant."
Not so fast, says Thomas Chopper, a fertility specialist/mentor at Seattle University.
"Does no one remember Jurassic Park? Life will find a way. Life always finds a way."
Mr. Chopper would not elaborate on his theory.
Local resident Josh Franklin became one of the first SOLOS to commit the rest of his life to himself in a ceremony last week at the Evolving Gender and Transformative Art Center in downtown Seattle.
"I've loved my self since the day I was born. I know what I like and don't like. I never fight with myself. If I want to fart in bed I can. If I don't want to clean a poop stain in the toilet bowl, I'll just leave it. Whenever I put leftover lasagna if the fridge, I know it's going to be there the next day. It's a win-win. It was difficult to tell my parents, though. My dad kind of just stared at me with one of his classic WTF looks. My mom cried. But they came around. They got me a mirror as a wedding gift. I was pretty stoked about that."
When asked if SOLOS will became part of the LGBTQ family of letters, SOLOS community director Theodore Carmichael told us that founding five letters seemed agreeable to the idea but newer genders appeared to be jealous.