• Mark Joseph

New Yorkers shocked to find out that the health department tests their poop after they flush it

Wastewater from the New York Mets' Citi Field tested positive for loseritis and gonorrhea
In addition to polio, wastewater from the New York Mets' Citi Field tested positive for loseritis and gonorrhea

New York, New York—Residents in New York City woke up to some bad news this week. Some of them have been shitting polio. Most New Yorkers, though, were stunned to find out how the city knows.

"That's fucking disgusting," construction worker Steven Abrams said. "I thought my job sucked. I have to get up at five every morning, take a bus, then the fucking subway. After that, I have to walk twenty minutes. All just to beat myself up with power tools for eight hours. That mess sounds like heaven compared to the poor slobs who have to dig through our shit and look at it through a microscope."

Abrams is not alone in his thinking. Sex worker C.J. Stroud wouldn't change a thing in his life if it meant not having to study poop.

"I suck men's dicks for a living, okay? Big ones, small ones. Lumpy ones. Warty ones. Some are thinner than those tiny stirring sticks people use in coffee. Most of them stink. But I bet they don't stink as bad as that water. I'll walk these streets 24/7 before I touch that shit."

Privacy lawyer, Charles Montgomery had a different take.

"I plan on filing a motion this afternoon. The government has no business digging through our intestines. What's next? Are they going to check our grocery lists? Our to-do lists? Do they think they have a right to know how many holes I have in my underwear? This is an absolute outrage! When we sit on a toilet, we have an expectation of privacy. Think of the throne as you would a psychiatrist or a therapist. It's all confidential. Even after we leave the office. We ought to be able to flush the toilet without wondering if strangers are going to find out that we ate corn or snacked on peanuts the night before."

New York Mayor Eric Adams didn't want to comment, however, one of his aides told us that the city is in contract negotiations with Cologuard.