• Sally Lipshank

PETA sues dog's owner for sexually appropriating the doggy style position


Sugar Bosom Foster smiles for the jury via Zoom from his backyard in Bend, Oregon after demonstrating what doggy style dog sex is all about
Sugar Bosom Foster smiles for his deposition via Zoom from his backyard in Bend, Oregon after demonstrating what doggy style dog sex is all about

Portland, Oregon—In a first-of-its-kind (times three) lawsuit, a dog, at the coercion, insistence, and badgering of PETA, is suing his owners for fucking the same way he does.


Lawyers for the plaintiff, Sugar Bosom Foster, stated in their initial pleading that "our client is forced to watch his owners have sex in a manner that God intended only for dogs and other four legged animals. When Sugar Bosom tries to extricate himself from the bedroom by scratching on the door, his owners refuse to pause their salacious and soon to be copyrighted activities, leaving our client no other choice but to put his paws over his eyes. However, he is still forced to hear the pleasurable moans caused by the sexual position that he and his furry friends invented."


When asked why this wasn't turned into a class action, a spokesman for PETA said, "Class action was our goal. However, we couldn't get the cats on board. There is just too much animosity. And the bears seemed flattered that humans do it the same way they do.


"But you know who isn't flattered? Sugar Bosom. Not only is he hurt, he feels betrayed and belittled. Yes, he gets two meals per day, all the water he can drink, a long walk at night, and unlimited use of the backyard. But he wants respect. His rights have been violated. Doggy style is the only way Sugar Bosom can have sex. There is no Kama Sutra for dogs. It's get her from behind or get nothing. Getting nothing is not an option for Sugar Bosom. He's got needs just like the rest of us. Have you ever seen a dog masturbate? Of course, you haven't. None of us have. Well, I've seen the one, but I think it was a deep fake. Anyway, the poor little guy can only hump so many legs before his dog balls go blue."


The defendants, Sam and Dana Foster, released a statement through their attorney. "There are only so many ways to have sex that are comfortable for us. Sam's knee locks up a lot and Dana's got scoliosis. Aside from that, doggy style is the only way for us to have sex without the kids knowing. Dana just yells into a pillow. Hitmen shoot their guns through pillows for good reason. They're fucking sound proof. Especially the memory foam kind.


"What's next? Is our pastor going to sue us for the one time a year that we do it missionary style? What if Dana was a lesbian? Would she get sued for using a strap-on?"


Sugar Bosom is seeking $2,000,000 in punitive damages (PETA has applied to be the executor of the funds), plus more visits to the Bark Park, which is where PETA thinks his owners learned about doggy style.


Opening arguments are scheduled to be heard before Judge Peter Frombe. He is expected to recuse himself.