• Todd Beacon

Purge, Cast Away, Reanimate - Hollywood Actors

Inspired by the wildly popular and psychotic fantasy game, Fuck/Marry/Kill, comes a new game that our writers came up with while smoking marijuana in the back of a brown van parked across the street from an undisclosed middle school. Enjoy and regale, as we combine deep hatred, light hatred, and general nostalgia.

Hollywood Actors

Purge - Alec Baldwin. Talk about a douche who probably stares at his naked body in a full-length mirror for two hours every morning while listening to recordings of himself bloviating during interviews. Every negative adjective that exists can be used to describe Alec Baldwin. Jerk. Dick. Asshole. Arrogant fuck. Prick. Tiny dick man. Overrated. Oh, yes, and let us not forget murderer.

Cast Away - Tom Hanks. No, we don’t want to really send Hollywood's most beloved actor away for good. We just want him to film a sequel. Maybe Chuck and Kelly get back together and take a trip to his former home in the South Pacific. Then they find out drug smugglers use the island to lay low when the heat is on. Just when the couple is about to get beheaded, Wilson floats ashore and distracts the smugglers. Then Chuck finds his old dental instrument and slices their throats.

Reanimate - Andy Griffith. Does anyone not wish that man was their dad? He could sing, he could dance, he could diffuse any tense situation, and he was always good for a killer dad joke. And we’d get to hang out with Don Knotts all the time. Come on, God, reanimate this beautiful man.