• Sonny Soderberg

Purge, Cast Away, Reanimate - Professional Golfers

Inspired by the wildly popular and psychotic fantasy game, Fuck/Marry/Kill, comes a new game that our writers came up with while smoking marijuana in the back of a brown van parked across the street from an undisclosed middle school. Enjoy and regale, as we combine deep hatred, light hatred, and general nostalgia.

Professional Golfers

Purge - Phil Mickelson. Some refer to him as Lefty. Others refer to him as Hefty. Around the office, we call him “that dick who wants to leverage human rights abuses; the murder of gay people; discrimination of women; and public beheadings” in an effort to make more money. The guy has gambled away over forty million dollars in golf purses over the last thirty years. What a douche.

Cast Away - Bryson DeChambeau. Is there a bigger ass-clown on the PGA tour? Nope. The guy has no class or style. He reminds us of the unathletic jackhole in high school who worked out a lot and purposely wore shirts that were two sizes too small, but never got laid.

Reanimate - Tiger Woods’ right leg. The only reason anyone alive watches an entire golf tournament is because of Tiger Woods. Sure he’s got his addictions, but who doesn’t? Everyone here is addicted to writing shitty stories. Most of our readers are probably addicted to some kind of drug. You’d have to be to continue reading this drivel. Maybe all Tiger needs to do is chop that limb off and go Oscar Pistorius, minus the random shooting into a bathroom door.