• Mark Joseph

Scientists admit they create impossible to pronounce words just to fuck with people

Scientists at a United States Army research laboratory play Potion, Laser, Placebo to decide who gets to name their next bioweapon
Scientists at a United States military research laboratory play Potion, Laser, Placebo to decide who gets to name their next bioweapon

Somewhere in the United States—Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Diethylhexyl phthalate. Polyfluoroalkyl. Methylchloroisothiazolinone.

"Good fucking luck saying those words sober," says Dr. Keith Temperton, head of the Pharmacological Uses, Controlled Killing, and Deadly Urges Program (PHUCKDUP) at an undisclosed, privately funded, United States military facility.

"My colleagues and I are just smarter than everyone else. We may not be able to throw a baseball, but we can sure as hell say and spell those words backward while standing on our heads drunk with a bottle of whiskey rammed up our asses. Why the hell would we make it easy for the common man to say the words of chemicals we invented? The same chemicals that give us dominance over everyone else in the world.

"We've got secret handshakes. We know how to alter our fingerprints. We can kill a thousand men with a test tube and make it look like a Middle Eastern dictator did it. We're the fucking CIA in white lab coats."

When asked for comment, psychotic-leaning conspiracy theorist Alex Jones wasn't surprised.

"I don't fucking trust anyone. I look at my worthless, limp pecker in the mirror every morning and see an FBI guy who looks just like me and knows exactly when to move his mouth and body at the same time I do. Think about that. The federal government actually paid for a man to have plastic surgery, just so they could spy on me. The resources they have are insane. He's even got the same wart on his left testicle. Technically, I guess it's on his right, because mine is on the left.

"I don't put anything into my body that I can't pronounce. That's why I only eat Ding Dongs and drink Yoo-hoo. And I only buy American toys like LEGO."

News of Jones' comments later reached his favorite toy company.