• Carol Tannenbaum

Star Wars fans continue to annoy the shit out of people on May the fourth


Chewbacca ready to get his freak on
Chewbacca ready to get his freak on

Austin, Texas–The legacy of Star Wars will last for generations and generations to come. And, according to Sandra Beckham, a street performer in downtown Austin, “So will the annoying turds who celebrate every May 4th as if it’s their child’s first birthday.”


We polled random people on Austin’s famous Sixth Street to hear what they think about May 4th. Some ignored us. Homeless people wouldn’t answer without being paid. A couple of fraternity brothers threw up on our shoes. And cops on horses told us to get out of the road.


We did, however, get lucky enough to talk to a few people other than Sandra.


“I hate it! Every fucking year it’s ‘May the Fourth be with you.’ I never say it, but I’m always thinking, ‘May your fourth shit of the day keep you on the toilet for an hour.’ I hate May. It’s my least favorite month now.” - Ed Frackindale.


“I’ve got a couple of co-workers who call in sick on that day. They get together and watch all of the Star Wars movies. I don’t think they’ve ever been laid.” - Kelly Richter


“My dad always sends me and my brothers a Star Wars themed greeting card. We’ve been talking about going to court and Britney Spearsing him. Then we’ll put him in an old folks home in Kentucky. The kind that doesn’t give you the correct pills and charges ten dollars for a roll of toilet paper.” - Cindy Rasmussen


“My wife always dresses up like Princess Leia and makes me dress up as Han Solo. Then we make our own porn movie. It used to be a lot of fun. But the last couple of years, she’s had some dude dress up like Chewbacca and had him watch us. I have this awful feeling that he’s my neighbor. He’s definitely been more friendly since the first time.” - Gene Crawford


“May the Fourth be with you, bitch!” - Steven Sodomy (Not sure he was being honest.)


So, that’s it. Four out five are not thrilled with May 4th. Although Chewbacca probably circles the day on the calendar in red ink at least fifty times.