The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg
  • Mark Joseph

Ted Cruz to AOC - "I don't want to date you, I want to sleep with you!"


Ted Cruz does his best impression of Creepy McCreeperson
Ted Cruz does his best impression of Creepy McCreeperson


Washington, D.C.–Earlier this year, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted, “If Republicans are mad they can’t date me they can just say that instead of projecting their sexual frustrations onto my boyfriend’s feet.”


"If I get lucky, my fingertips touch her hair. Then I sit up in the balcony and nibble on them while she’s complaining about the environment or some other stupid shit like that."

When asked about her tweet, Sen. Ted Cruz adjusted his trousers and quickly responded, “Date her? Hell no, I don’t want to date her. But I’d cut my finger off to sleep with her. Sometimes I walk into the wrong chamber just to get a whiff of her hair. If I get lucky, my fingertips touch her hair. Then I sit up in the balcony and nibble on them while she’s complaining about the environment or some other stupid shit like that. Other times, I just lock myself in an office and get a little alone time. Pelosi may want to think about getting a new couch.”


After he heard about Sen. Cruz’s comment, Rep. Louie Gohmert conceded, “Spending the night with AOC would be nice, but I’m more of a Klobuchar man myself. There’s something about her Minnesota accent that really gets to me.”


When told of Rep. Gohmert’s affinity for her accent, Sen. Amy Klobuchar blushed. “Let’s just say that the honorable Mr. Gohmert and I have spent some long hours negotiating in a less than honorable fashion.”


As the sexual rumors on Capitol Hill swirled, Rep. Dan Crenshaw tweeted a picture of Homer and Marge Simpson laying naked in a shallow pool of water. He captioned his tweet, “Sometimes there’s shit you just don’t want to imagine.”


Rep. Eric Swalwell opined in a video on Instagram, “She may be nuts, but I’m a Boebert man myself. Knowing that she could shoot me from a hundred yards away on a windy day really gets me hot under the collar.”


For his part, President Biden laughed, and waved a bottle of pills at the press pool. “Viagra, baby! Jill won’t let me leave home without it.”

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The Scamp vs. The Tramp #voteearlyvoteoften.jpg