• Mark Joseph

Texas Gov. Abbott proposes bill to allow newborns to carry concealed weapons


Nine-month old Frisco Stauback checks to make sure his gun is tucked into his onsie while doing yoga
Nine-month old Frisco Stauback checks to make sure his gun is tucked into his onsie while doing yoga

Austin, Texas—"Guns are only the enemy if you get killed by one."


That was Texas Governor Greg Abbott's opening message to TUPAC (Texans Understand People and Crime) as he rolled onto the stage to a frenzied crowd at Billy Bob's Tavern.


"The Second Amendment does not have an age restriction. If the next generation is going to be the one to save us all, they're going to need guns."


The crowd continued to roar until Governor Abbott stopped his La-Z-Boy in front of a teleprompter.


"I won rock, paper, scissors with Dade Phelen and it's my turn to propose a law. DO NOT READ! It is high time that we allow newborn babies to carry a concealed weapon. Abortion activists are infecting this state. It won't be long before one of them sneaks their way into a delivery room and tries to abort a newborn right after they're born. DO NOT READ! It would be like the baby pops out of Mrs. Vagina, then the activist comes in and aborts it. She, I say "she" because I can't imagine a good, God-fearing, white man would do something like this. Anyway, then she stabs the baby in the head with a pitchfork. Not a big one. One of those mini pitchforks you find in the utensil isle at your local grocery store. (This covers poor people and rich people.) DO NOT READ! But what if she didn't get the chance. What if that little newborn pulled that pistol out of Mrs. Vagina and shot the bitch? NO! baby killer?"


The Governor's speech was abruptly stopped by aids seconds later. In an email to his donors, the Governor said, "Evil is among us, and it took control of me tonight. But it wasn't my fault. it was the devil's fault. We all know Beto O'Dork is the devil! Tonight was his fault! We need $1,000,000 in the next five hours or we're going to lose to the devil. Don't side with the devil."


Thirty minutes after the email went out, the official Twitter account of the Governor had something to tweet about.