• Sally Lipshank

UCBCC votes to change term “Alpha Male” to “Total Dick”


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Gavin McDermott demonstrates the size difference between the Chess Club members and total dicks

Berkeley, California–To most people, the term “Alpha Male” conjures up images of self-confident, outgoing men who can get any woman they want. To the Chess Club at the University of California, Berkeley, the term conjures up images of domineering, selfish assholes who can still get any woman they want.


Gavin McDermott and his pals in the CCB have decided to do something about it. Late last week, the fifty-three members of the club, along with over one thousand alumni, voted unanimously to refer to their most-hated rivals as “Total Dicks.”


“We know this vote won’t have any change or bearing on society,” McDermott said in a text. “We’re just getting sick and tired of them taking our good looking female members. Even the half-good looking ones. Those dicks just walk around campus and smile. The next thing we know, we’re down a member and being called losers.”


Another member of the club, Alexi Khazikstan, said through an interpreter, “I came to the United States to find a woman. I could have gone to any university in the world. My father told me this was the place to be. He said I wouldn’t even remember the word virgin after my first semester. I had two dates set up. Then a couple of assholes came around swinging their dicks, and I can’t even get the women to look at me.”


When asked for comment, Chancellor Carol Christ said, “If those boys are having trouble finding women because of the ample amount of well-toned, prime beef walking our campus, maybe they should stop playing with their pawns and start lifting some weights. As far as admonishing them or even forcing them to shut down their club, there’s nothing I can do. Fucking freedom of speech.”