• Sally Lipshank

Wife discovers husband's affair through Sleep Number app

Lillian González demonstrates what her street would have looked like had police not shown up sooner
Lillian González demonstrates what her street would have looked like had police not shown up sooner

Miami, Florida–All Emilio González wanted was a good night's sleep. Instead, he ended up with a pillow, a park bench, divorce papers, child support payments, and a pissed off wife with a machete.

Technology has been fucking with humans ever since the wheel was invented. González, though, never thought an app meant to improve his sleeping would unravel a thirteen-year-old affair.

At first, Lillian González was angry about caving to her husband's demand that they purchase a king size Sleep Number bed. “I was like, ‘Why the fuck didn’t we get a king bed fifteen years ago?’ We have six kids. When those little fuckers were younger, all they wanted to do was sleep with us. There were nights when all eight of us were sleeping in one full size bed. The boat my grandparents came here on was bigger than that fucking bed. And it was just them and my mom.”

Once the bed was installed, however, she quickly changed her tune. “That bed was so fucking awesome. Every night was perfect. Emilio and I had so much fun competing to see who would have a higher Sleep IQ. When we had sex, I always moved to his side of the bed, so his average would get fucked up. Every morning after we had sex, I would look and see that he was restless for six or seven minutes longer than normal.”

“One day at work, I realized that I hadn’t checked, so I opened the app. It said he was still in bed. I was like, ‘Why the fuck does it say that? He got up six hours ago.’ Then I refreshed the app, and it said that he had restless sleep from 11:07 a.m. to 11:45 a.m. Then my co-worker, DeAndre, was like, ‘Girl, you better go home and find out what your man is up to.’ So I went home. That’s when I saw this little white bitch standing on my porch wearing some motherfuckin’ Daisy Duke-ass, tight jean shorts.”

Mr. González had a difficult time retelling his version of events. “It was ugly. Lillian carries that fucking machete with her like it’s a seventh child. She grabbed Laura by the back of her hair and pulled her to the ground. Then she just started scalping her.”

Hector Ramirez, the Gonzálezes neighbor, laughed as he shared his witness statement with police. “She was crazy. She kept yelling, ‘Why does this bitch make you restless for thirty-eight minutes, but the best I get is seven? It was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. I ain’t never getting one of those beds. My wife owns two machetes.”

No charges were filed by Mr. González’ mistresses. However, he will still be responsible for making good on the monthly payments for the bed after his wife tore it up with her machete.

“I don’t give a fuck about that bed. It’s on his credit.”