• Mark Joseph

Woke Disney replacing Mickey Mouse with Gregor The Non-Binary Gerbil

Gregor Gerbil akwardly poses for reporters after a poor attempt at twerking on Ariel
Gregor The Non-Binary Gerbil awkwardly poses for reporters after a poor attempt at twerking on Scrooge McDuck and The Brave Little Toaster

Orlando, Florida—At a hastily put together news conference today, Mickey Mouse announced that he will be stepping down as a Disney character after almost one hundred years.

"This morning I instructed The Walt Disney Company CEO, Bob Chapek, to replace me with Gregor The Non-Binary Gerbil. While we have lots of animals at Disney, we can be more inclusive. We've got mice, birds, ducks, dogs, even deer. Goddammit, it's time we had a gerbil. The gerbil community has been unrepresented for far too long. That all changes today.

"I know a lot of people are wondering what I'm going to be doing. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still going to be mouse-tapping Mini. She's my mouse. Gregor will get their own gerbil or hamster or whatever the fuck turns them on. Maybe they'll want Blanky or Lampy. Holy fuck, these pronouns are exhausting. I'm just going to say Gregor from now on. You may hear his name too often, but it will sure as hell will be less confusing. Just to be clear, we are only talking about one, singular, non-binary gerbil."

Gregor was not made available for comment, however, Blanky made it clear that he will not be Gregor's main squeeze.

"I'm cotton all the way, baby. Put me in a hallway closet with pink towels. That's all I need to be happy."

Lampy was also not excited by Mickey's comment.

"Do you see the end of my cord? I'm type A, male plug all the way, chief. I get my spark on with female outlets."