Yankee Players take back nothing they said about the 2017 Astros
New York, New York–After the U.S. Second Court of Appeals unsealed a letter from Rob Manfred to Yankees general manager Brian Cashman detailing the Evil Empire’s use of instant reply monitors to steal signs from opposing pitchers during the 2015 and 2016 seasons, Cashman used the “everyone else was doing it” defense to deflect from the team’s complaining about the 2017 World Series champion Houston Astros, who just happened to beat the Yankees in the ALCS that year.
In a statement after the letter was released, Cashman said, “At that point in time, sign stealing was utilized as a competitive tool by numerous teams throughout Major League Baseball and only became illegal after the Commissioner's specific delineation of the rules on September 15, 2017.”
When asked about the light being shined upon their own cheating, current and former Yankee players were asked about the many expletive-laced comments they previously made about the Astros. Most of them offered a mix of apologetic confusion.
Aaron Judge - “I may have told George Springer to suck my twelve-inch Judgernaut. For that I am sorry. If he had tried, he would have hurt himself.”
Giancarlo Stanton - “Words and actions, actions and words. We said a lot of words after their actions which came after our actions. But our actions didn’t come with words. You know what I’m saying?”
Aaron Boone - “The bottom line is that we tried to give ourselves a little side sauce and we just put too much pepper in it.”
Anthony Rizzo - “I wasn’t even here when that happened.”
Gary Sánchez - “No hablo Inglés. ¿Dónde está el baño?”
Brett Gardner - “Look, it comes down to this. They weren’t cheating when we cheated, and we weren’t cheating when they cheated. You’re comparing apples to oranges. I don’t eat fruit. I’m a vegetable guy.”
Aaron Hicks - “I swear to fucking God, if Cashman signs another Aaron to this team, I’m retiring.”
Didi Gregorius - “Man, I already emoji tweeted about this shit.”
Hal Steinbrenner summed up the controversy just like his dad would have. “They just cheated better than us. We’re going to get some good cheaters in here. New Yorkers deserve that. No one should be able to cheat better than us.”